i’m sure i’m not the only one who plays a song 1,000 times over in the course of an hour dissecting every little piece of perfectly placed poetry. there’s this song that drives me crazy right now and it’s not a big song, it’s actually incredibly small and quiet and a little sad. it reminds me of a scene i may or may not have already seen in a movie where everything’s really slow and there’s someone walking down a busy sidewalk and you don’t even really know who it is you’re supposed to be looking for in the picture because everyone is kind of the same and kind of busy but kind of sad.. and then you realize the song is about you and you’re walking on the sidewalk too. that’s this song. if i close my eyes i feel like i’d fall asleep and have the sweetest slowest dreams.

- in the last few days i’ve been through the gamut of emotions about where i want to go and what i should do and how i should do it. mostly i think about sitting on a train or bus in chicago looking at everybody seem so into their thoughts and anxious to get somewhere. i think about dancing to the blues in a bar where it’s only you and a lot of friends. i think about wearing four layers of clothing and still not being warm enough but feeling just fine because you’re where you want to be. i think about having a camera in my hand and listening to songs like the one i was talking about and taking pictures of all of the things i see that remind me of those songs. i feel like learning to play the piano and singing everything i’ve ever written. i think about being a kid and i think about how not much has changed about me. i think about where the wild things are and i think about everyone and everything i’ve ever loved and what they’d want for me. and sometimes i think no one would really understand everything if they were inside of my head but somehow i’ve learned to make sense of things as they are to me.

every year i lose another little piece of that closed off secion in my mind where all the good stuff comes from. i start saying the things i feel and talking to myself instead, working out the way adults do and then i can’t write. i have so many things i’d like to write about right now but i can’t focus, can’t pull the words together in the right way

it’s been a while since i last wrote, i thought about it quite a bit but the time and the thoughts were never right, i suppose. a lot’s changed in the last few months but that’s pretty much the norm with people- isn’t it? yesterday i was thinking that i don’t really like to talk about myself very much anymore unless it’s to say “yeah, i like that too” or the opposite.. i spend most of my time daydreaming and planning and just all around observing. i’m not upset about spending time alone like i might have been a few months ago, just me and my dog.. i have a dog now, btw. anyway, the whole point in saying any of that was because i was thinking that people talk about themselves too much between the ages of 18-21; and for guys i think that time line is extended from time-to-time. I don’t really mind, I like to listen and learn. anyone who knows me knows that i can be completely self centered and mildly dramatic but i’ve been looking around a lot lately and seeing other people match behavior i might have previously displayed is really…well, less than satisfactory at best. spending too much time being stressed or mad or anything other than just plain happy frustrates me these days. my life is good and i don’t know how long it will stay that way before more life stuff happens but i guess i’m okay with that.
-did you have a choice anyway? that’s what you’re thinking, right?

i’ve been hoping lately that i’m not just a ’sometimes’ person, that i’m not just good in doses for short amounts of time at minimal effort; but i don’t really know. everyone i know is married or has been with the same person for nearly a million years or maybe they have kids already.. i dunno, you get the picture… well i don’t really think i’m ready for any of that. as much as i talk about it and nag whoever i’m dating to talk about it with me, i’d probably freak out if it came up and shook my hand. that’s what makes me worry. but i don’t sit around and think about it all day like i probably would have a year ago. i miss having good friends to wonder about it with, i guess that short stops the trailing off. anyway, i feel like i might be on the cusp of what i came to houston for in the first place, you know? i keep meeting people all the time who teach me things about myself and most importantly about what i do and don’t want.

mothers should teach their daughters to be stand up people. my sister just had a baby and all i can think about is the trashy people i meet directly or indirectly all the time. men and women alike wrecking homes left and right, complicating matters without any remorse. and i just want to ask where their mother is. she won’t be like that though, for lots of reasons.

just like i said it would be… things get more complicated as i struggle to commit and still maintain something of my own world. i don’t know… maybe i’m not cut out for the world of relationships. maybe i am. i want a balance. that’s all i can really muster together to make any sense. more later.

everyday is different than the one before and i’m not sure if it’s me or the day. either way, i’m kept guessing as to what the state of things will be. my favorites are even more unsteady.  i have a lot more dreams lately. my hopes are high and i’m a little nervous about that.

i’ve never been one to “give up”, my patience for those i love is relentless. lately that is not the case. i’d like to say that it’s temporary and that i haven’t just looked around and realized that there are less than a handful of people i can genuinely call friends. i’d like to say that i’m not fed up with being the bleeding heart optimist and perpetual giver of chances… but those would all be lies. i AM fed up, i think that i have simply began to realize that as much as you may be willing to give, others are seldom willing to reciprocate that. that’s the way the world works, there’s nothing to be angry about. i’ve just decided that i’m done with the whole process. my primary concern will once again be myself. and it’s nobody’s fault.

on a humid June day i am finally feeling like maybe everything will be just fine. at the end of a 16 hour day on the drive home under the same lights i saw as a kid i may have realized that i’ve got more in my pocket than i was really counting. and i’m grateful.

it could be that you can’t ever win and it may be that you just don’t know how. but that’s how it feels sometimes when you’re caught in the space between where you want to be and where you really are. one day i will forget a name or two and i will begin to think about whether this life was what i expected it to be. maybe that’s how everyone feels… i don’t really know. i remember being a kid and sitting in the backseat of the car staring out at the things swooshing past and stars in the sky and the moon lighting the way with the aid of a couple of lightning bug looking street lights that pslashed little waves of warmth on the highway every couple of feet. i remember doing all of that and thinking that this world is so much bigger than me but that there was something inside of me that meant it didn’t matter. if i weren’t so indecisive and worried all of the time what i’d really do with my life is this:

marry the guy i love, today.

move to chicago/new york/LA and live in a tiny apt… sleep all day and stay up all night roaming the streets and making movies while finishing up school. try to act in some plays or random films, dabble in everything i possibly can.

i’d have a couple of kids and we’d take trips around the globe, ride bikes after school, read before bed, listen to music and dance in the living room on a Sunday night, watch movies all day long on the weekends, have picnics in the park, and take walks to who-cares-where while we talk about what they want to do when they grow up.

work as a teacher for a little while, work as a counselor, start a business… probably a restaurant…

etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc….

 

and i wonder if that was what i was thinking when i looked out of those windows. i wonder when and if it all REALLY begins. maybe it already it has and i just don’t know it yet. i’m always going to feel different than everyone around me and that is alwasy going to make things a little weird but i’m not sure that i’d like anything less.

in the end i wonder what’s supposed to matter: who you were? what you did? who you loved? who you helped?

i may not always make the best decisions and i might perpetually be a mess of indecision and complication but i’ve always got good intentions. i hope THAT matters.

as much as i hate the fanaticism that follows music like john mayer’s, i do have to say that on a gloomy day like today listening to it on the drive to work eases the tension of nights prior. 

lately i have been feeling too adult. i want to travel back in time to early March and relive an entire week of being crazy in Chicago. everyday i struggle with wanting both stability and freedom. i’ve never been really good at following through to the end of things. half way there i lose interest and find another; makes me wonder where i’ll be 5-10 years from now. i am hard to keep up with but i want to meet someone who can… i think i want that more than i want to keep running at the pace i am.  ‘what makes me complicated’… the never ending story.